Counselling Therapy - I Wish I’d Done This Years Ago

Counselling professionals know this already, but counselling improves people’s lives positively and often dramatically. 

We know this because of hands-on experience and the changes we see in the people we are helping, whether it is low self-esteem, anxiety or depression and other issues people have with their mental health.   But it isn’t just the professional outcomes we achieve, the changes we see clinically, it is the direct, personal, feedback we get from our clients.

I’ve lost count of the people I’ve helped that tell me after a few sessions, sometimes after only one counselling session, ‘I wish I’d done this years ago!’, ‘it’s such a relief’, ‘why did I let myself suffer all those years’. 

And although this is wonderful to hear on a professional and personal level it does make me reflect periodically on why is it so hard to start counselling when we know the benefits outweigh any of the fears of commencing therapy?

I recently received some wonderful feedback from a client that has gone on to have a positive and fulfilling life after completing her counselling therapy with me. So much has her life improved that she wanted to share her wedding photos with me, explaining this would have never been possible without undertaking counselling.

 And I would stress, it would never have been possible without her having the courage to take that first step and make that first appointment to see a professional counsellor, which I know from exprience, is often the hardest.

 You can read about Jenny’s story below, in the latter part of this blog.

The First Step Really is the Hardest

 Resistance – Why People Don’t Start Counselling

There is a wide range of reasons for resistance to counselling, why taking that first step to meet with a counsellor is so hard. I’ve listed the ones that I see in my own practice most commonly and although I have categorised them here for clarity, this list is in no way exhaustive.

1.   Vulnerability -  One of the primary reasons that people can find it hard to talk to someone about their problems or their psychological state of mind is the process itself means opening up your most private thoughts and fears to what is initially a complete stranger. 

Undoubtedly, this process creates a strong sense of vulnerability.

 However, person centred counselling is built around helping people work through this process of being vulnerable as it is committed to being non-judgemental and building a safe, nurturing and specifically emphatic space.

It can seem somewhat counter intuitive but opening your inner self, your internal dialogue and emotions to this ‘stranger’, albeit a professional counsellor, can be like a wall falling down, once you push it over, the process becomes much easier, particularly as trust builds between you and your counsellor.

2.   Fear of Change -  For many people, the thought of things being different but the outcome unknown is disconcerting if not the cause of serious anxiety in some people.  This often means people settle for ‘what they know’, regardless of how debilitating or unfulfilling that lifestyle might be for them. 

It is a common phenomenon that bad relationships and emotional habits and patterns become normalised over extended periods of time, so although they can be psychologically unhealthy and unfulfilling for an individual, the boundaries and expectations are a known quantity and, therefore, can be rationalised as being ‘safer’ or less disruptive than undertaking something with life changing potential, like person centred counselling.

3.   Cultural Norms – All societies operate under conscious and unconscious social norms.  These rules can be tightly prescribed, like in an orthodox religion or simply come from the rules and expectations from within a family.  It can be anti-thetical to seek out counselling in any number religions and often, such actions may have punitive repercussions such as being excommunicated from contact with not just your social circle but your family itself

There are also social norms and these vary from culture to culture and also widely from within any one culture.  They are built around sexuality, gender, race and even political persuasions.  So, if you develop a different mindset or feel different to groups that fit neatly into the different but dominate groups of social norms, not only can it be difficult to realise your own authentic self but it can be a deterrent to even beginning to explore your potential to be yourself through professional counselling.

4.   Social Stigma -  Although this is often constructed through the social norms we mentioned above, it is worth drawing this out more specifically as it is a reason I know many of my own clientele have had to overcome before coming to see me or my colleagues at Omega Counselling.

Asking for help should be a relatively easy and positive step for a person to take. Unfortunately, there’s a general perception and stigma around needing help that marks it out as a form of weakness. In our society, suffering with emotional distress, anxiety or depression is often seen as being ‘weak’, lacking character or backbone, ‘people need to just toughen up and get on with life’. 

Even if external social pressure isn’t the obvious cause, often the stigma itself has been internalised, you effectively self-police and condition yourself to conform.

5.   Previous Therapy Experience – I believe that finding the right fit is one of the most important decisions both client and counsellor must make.  It is often overlooked and, in my opinion, definitely undervalued but I would argue is critical in building that foundation of trust and commitment from both parties to begin therapy.

It isn’t just a matter of personal synchronicity either; it may be the wrong type of counselling or approach to helping a person.  Some people are better helped with CBT or hypnotherapy than person centred counselling or psychotherapy.

6.   Economic Constraints – It is an unavoidable truth that professional counselling can be accessed quickly in the private sector but is beyond the means of many people that want help.

 However, this isn’t the whole story as free access to counselling therapy is available in many countries across Europe and in the UK.  Admittedly, it’s not as convenient as the private sector, there is an application process, but in the UK you can even (self) refer yourself.  But even with free state provisioned mental healthcare we know there is resistance to taking that first step towards healing.

 Jenny’s Story

Overcoming Resistance – The Road to Healing and Fulfilment

Counsellors are deeply committed to improving people’s mental well-being and, therefore, their quality of life.  And there’s nothing more rewarding than when someone you have counselled gets in touch to let you know that you helped them achieve just that and transition to a more fulfilling and positive lifestyle.

Jenny and Mathew’s Wedding Ceremony

Jenny, wrote to me recently explaining how my counselling had transformed her life and enclosed this wedding picture demonstrating by just how much.

I was overjoyed for Jenny and positive feedback like this is what makes counselling so incredibly rewarding.

Furthermore, Jenny’s story is one that includes some of the very points I’ve made above concerning some of the difficulties people have starting professional counselling.

 To reinforce this point, and with Jenny’s persmission, I’m going to quote some of her feedback here:

“Also,…. part of it was that I had CBT therapy 8 years previously from the NHS …And I had the WORST experience…So, there was definitely an apprehension about trying something else again which definitely put me off for a good few years.”

And something I believe is the fundamental building block for producing positive outcomes: making sure the relationship is a good fit.

“Vulnerability became less of a barrier because you only have to speak with Rachael to know that it’s a safe space. Taking some time to speak to a councillor you could be working with before you start was a big step”

So, Jenny’s concerns were not untypical as a first contact client at all and I’m sure every counsellor out there will be nodding at those two quotes of hers.  But what I valued about Jenny’s approach was her recognition that this wasn’t a quick fix, like going to the doctor for some antibiotics or to get an x-ray in outpatients.

Jenny recognised that this was going to be a process and a journey:

“You want to be working with this person for as long as possible so you ideally want to get on with this person.”

As I said at the beginning, we counsellors know counselling works.

Okay, people reading this are going to say, ‘of course you are going to say that’ because you are a professional counsellor!   And that’s why Jenny is letting me share this feedback here with you, so we can see how her approach to her life and her relationships with people changed after counselling to become more authentic, positive and true to her real self.

Here’s Jenny again discussing how she knew she was progressing.

There were a few identifiable key markers to when I knew I was progressing.

• The most obvious one: as time went on, my need to drink alcohol to numb the exhaustion of learning how to process emotions diminished

• Also: learning how to make better decisions. For example, I’d go on dates, we’d talk about it, and through that process I could understand my behaviours and their behaviours and what is actually aligned with my values

• Having [Rachael] there to back up new thoughts and new patterns the first time around is helpful because it gives you the confidence to be better

• Rather than getting emotional, I’m [now] able to think more rationally about [situations] so I can communicate better, identify how I feel about it (plus accept it) and set boundaries as opposed to doubting myself, being explosive with my emotions and it ruining my week.

I’m really happy for Jenny, that she took that difficult first step to come and see me for counselling and that we made such good progress together. Resistance to undertake counselling is a much bigger social and cultural problem than one person alone can fix but I’m hoping that on other professional counsellor’s website it is feedback like Jenny’s that may be the impetus for someone else to take that brave and courageous first step towards healing and living a positive and authentic life.

If you would like any advice or further discussion about whether person centred counselling is right for you, then please don’t hesistate to contact me here at Omega Counselling. We have counselling clinics in central Manchester and Wigan making them easily accessible to people living in the Greater Manchester and West Lancashire region.

Rachael